One Day

I like to think that I would wake up, and not have to worry about making a dollar. I'd have enough money to pay my rent, utilities, and loans, and maybe enough to be able to go out or buy some new shoes. I wouldn't be clawing from the inside of this hole and I'd have an whole new set of reasons for opening my eyes in the morning. But that seems far fetched right now.

Maybe I'd wake up with some nice girl, someone I'd be honest and feel comfortable with. I wouldn't have to use diversions or jokes to ignore the fact that I don't like them, because they would finally be the person I want and I'd b theirs. But since I don't date and disregard 98% of girls as "nothing special," I guess it seems pretty far fetched.

What I'm talking about is motivation. What can I do to make myself want to make things better? Is it anything if my greatest reason for self-improvement is because I want to be liked? I think it's pathetic, and, well, my self-esteem isn't breaking any records at the moment. Am I going to be able to convince myself that there is something I want, something to strive for, to ache for and ultimately wake up, get dressed, and present the good parts of me for? I'm sorry if this is depressing, I'm just thinking about it and it's the truth and the truth is sometimes hurtful, or sad, or dirty and, in my experience, rarely sets you free.

I'll think about it some more, and once again arrive to no conclusion. My reason for waking will always be the dollar and I hear it whispering my name and tugging at my pants like a child. I will sit today, and when I'm not talking or being goofy or trying to hide my loneliness, I will try very very hard to come up with a reason for why I should be happy and why I should wake up. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't.