Sometimes I aimlessly poke around on the computer, just to pass time and feel like I'm doing something. That's why I'm writing in this. I've decided this blog is stupid. I tried to tell myself that I wanted to write and that I had things to say, but I don't. Just trying to get by.

I am not sure I like sleep anymore. I stay up too late for no reason. Though I suppose you could say my every day has very few reasons. I just don't look forward to sleeping and conversely don't look forward to waking up. I don't even stay awake for any particular purpose, I could sleep if I wanted to.

When I Write

I generally do not write in this when I am happy or excited about something. Past couple days, there hasn't been anything in particular, I just stopped worrying for a while. It'll come back, for sure, but for now, it's okay.

One Day

I like to think that I would wake up, and not have to worry about making a dollar. I'd have enough money to pay my rent, utilities, and loans, and maybe enough to be able to go out or buy some new shoes. I wouldn't be clawing from the inside of this hole and I'd have an whole new set of reasons for opening my eyes in the morning. But that seems far fetched right now.

Maybe I'd wake up with some nice girl, someone I'd be honest and feel comfortable with. I wouldn't have to use diversions or jokes to ignore the fact that I don't like them, because they would finally be the person I want and I'd b theirs. But since I don't date and disregard 98% of girls as "nothing special," I guess it seems pretty far fetched.

What I'm talking about is motivation. What can I do to make myself want to make things better? Is it anything if my greatest reason for self-improvement is because I want to be liked? I think it's pathetic, and, well, my self-esteem isn't breaking any records at the moment. Am I going to be able to convince myself that there is something I want, something to strive for, to ache for and ultimately wake up, get dressed, and present the good parts of me for? I'm sorry if this is depressing, I'm just thinking about it and it's the truth and the truth is sometimes hurtful, or sad, or dirty and, in my experience, rarely sets you free.

I'll think about it some more, and once again arrive to no conclusion. My reason for waking will always be the dollar and I hear it whispering my name and tugging at my pants like a child. I will sit today, and when I'm not talking or being goofy or trying to hide my loneliness, I will try very very hard to come up with a reason for why I should be happy and why I should wake up. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't.

This Year I Will

try to write more. I am not very resolute on my resolutions. The other night, I had a dream that I moved back to San Antonio and went into my house and my nephew was very excited to see me and was yelling "Peter! Peter!" Woke up and realized that we don't live in that house anymore, and my nephew can't remember my name.

Mornings are tough for me. I stay up too late, don't sleep well, and wake up too early.

I am toying with the idea of making this blog private. I would just like a place where I can write things I think or feel, and I am usually at odds with these, I don't believe the things I think I think or the feelings I feel warrant a venue or consideration, but that is just hypocritical of my own consciousness. I do not think I will have a theme, or an overarching goal to this blog. I do not think I will post clever or humorous links or try to illicit responses from the 0 readers I have. I think I will only type and type and type until I feel like no longer typing. I am already at odds with this blog and my sense of self-importance. I will try my best not to complain about money or jobs. I will probably relay the cryptic messages of my heart. Right now, I feel about par for how I usually feel.

Maybe this will help me organize my thoughts.